How to Customize Your Cell Phone

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This comic was written back in the day when not all phones had mapping programs. I honestly use my phone as a GPS-enabled map more often than I use it as a phone, but that’s just me. Not everyone has the powerful one-two punch of a poor sense of direction and antisocial tendencies that I have.

I usually don’t put protective cases on my phones. I often choose a phone partly because it looks cool and feels good in my hand. Putting the phone in a case will help keep it looking cool and feeling good longer, but only by hiding it and making it feel terrible in my hand, which is just a little too O. Henry for me.

Note from Missy: Every time I see Scott use “glump” as a sound effect for a cat throwing up, it makes me laugh. What a terrible word, and yet so, so accurate.

 

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How to live with an Embarrassing Middle Name

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Yes. My middle name is Oscar.

I have a cousin who was born a few months before me, who is also named Scott Meyer. My understanding is that my parents liked the name and decided to use it as well. They differentiated my name from his by giving me the middle name Oscar. It didn’t make me any happier about the situation.

The sad thing is, I think Oscar is a really cool name. I might even prefer it to Scott, if it weren’t for my last name.

After putting this comic out there, I was made aware of this comic, which is very funny and much more concise than my take on the same idea.

 

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How to Project

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It is difficult to talk in a loud voice to a large group of people without sounding angry, even when you have a microphone and a PA system. Just looking at either presidential candidate will show you that.

I can tell you from personal experience (gained by working at a certain theme park) that it’s even harder to project loud enough to be heard by hundreds of people, unamplified, then, as soon as you’re done with your announcement have some guy (it was always a guy in his late thirties to early forties) who is standing right in front of you (it was ALWAYS the guy literally RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME) immediately ask, “what was that again?” without getting genuinely angry at them.

Note from Missy: Seriously – middle-aged dads, especially in a theme park environment, are the worst. They love to bluster, argue, and show their families that they know way more than this common wage slave. Don’t be that guy, guys.

 

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How to Invent a Superhero

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This is sort of a primordial origin of the Knifeketeer. It doesn’t really involve the character at all, but you can see the germ of the idea forming.

It’s not really that unusual of an idea, a superhero who murders villains with knives. Wolverine is a superhero. He murders villains with knives that are built into his arms. He can also heal really fast, and has an unbreakable skeleton, but without the knives, he wouldn’t be much use. He’d mostly serve as a distraction, allowing the enemy to beat him mercilessly while the rest of the team does more important work.

I think he’d be called “The Pummelee.”

 

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How to Wake Someone Up

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My dad, for as long as I can remember, has had a big recliner, and has always fallen asleep in said recliner in front of the TV. Every night this happened.

I considered buying a big recliner recently. I chose not to, partly because we have cats, and spending too much on any one piece of furniture would be folly, and partly because pushing the recliner into its fully reclined position instantly made me sleepy.

Note from Missy: Oh, man, that sofa was SO COMFY to sleep on. I don’t remember the name of it; it’s an IKEA model that hasn’t been for sale in 10 years. It had one giant bottom cushion, a round backrest, and one metal-pole arm that you covered with a big bean-bag pillow. Sucked if you wanted to sit up straight, but oh, the epic naps I took on that beauty.

 

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How to Share Your Enthusiasm

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That phone, by the way, was a T-Mobile Shadow, and it was terrible.

It was an attempt to get the features of a smartphone without unnecessary extras like touch sensitivity, adequate memory, or a processor that could handle the load.

Here’s a fun little peek into life in the theme park industry. When I first started at Walt Disney World, cast members were not allowed to bring a cell phone on stage (that is, anywhere that a guest might see you). You had to either leave it in your car or put it in a locker. Later, they changed the rule, allowing you to have your phone in your pocket, but it had to be silenced and you could NEVER take it out on stage.

I know of at least one cast member who was fired for posting on Facebook on stage, in front of guests. After he was fired, he complained about it on Facebook, which was not surprising.

Anyway, my fellow cast members would sometimes look at me like I was insane because I kept my phone in a Ziploc bag. Later, when we’d get caught in the rainstorm that seems to hit Orlando every day of the summer at about three in the afternoon, they’d often ask me which size of Ziploc I recommended.

 

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How to Confound your Alien Captor

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I’m not nearly as into hot wings as I used to be. Really, they were more of a social thing than anything else. Ric and I would eat hot wings at a place called the Wing Dome, which is in Seattle, and is built in an old Vespa garage. Then we’d go to one of our places and watch some obscure sci-fi movie, like ZARDOZ or Colossus: The Forbin Project.

Hmm. We’d eat painful food, served in a loud, cold, drafty environment, then watch movies we knew to be bad. It’s entirely possible that Ric and I are masochists.

That would explain our friendship, given that he spent a decade enduring my public ridicule, and that I never, in that entire decade, ran out of material.

 

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How to Rationalize

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HD-DVD! I barely remembered that it was ever a thing! It was Betamax to Blu-Ray’s VHS. I remember you could buy an external HD-DVD drive for the Xbox 360. I’m sure they sold a ton of those.

Or there was DIVX. It was an alternative to DVDs. The discs cost a lot less, but they only worked for 48 hours. If you wanted to watch the movie again after that, you had to pay more money. You were essentially buying the right to rent the movie in the future. Surprisingly, that didn’t work out.

In other news, there’s a 4K-disc player out. I don’t suggest buying one just yet.

 

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How to Create a Running Gag

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I have a lot of questions about these two men.

Do Chubby Checker and Fats Domino know each other? If they do, are they friends? Are they enemies? Did they start as enemies, then slowly, almost grudgingly come to respect one another, eventually forging a strong bond because, at the end of the day, they are the only two men on earth who understand the incredible stresses one endures when being a musician whose last name is a game-piece and whose first name is an insulting reference to their weight?

I haven’t found the answers to any of these questions, but I have learned one surprising fact. According to Wikipedia, as of this writing, both Fats Domino and Chubby Checker are still alive!

 

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